


i honestly don't know (i'd tell you if i did)

by iwazoomi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Kozume Kenma is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Oop, im gonna add tags as i go, implied/referenced eating disorder, kenma just isnt mentally stable, kuroo is a good person, prolly some homophobia too at some point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28045428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwazoomi/pseuds/iwazoomi
Summary: Kenma hates everything, but he hates everything a little less when Kuroo is around...Whatever that means.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 12





	i honestly don't know (i'd tell you if i did)

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo
> 
> I wanted to start this because I want a reason to have to write, cause I know the second I post this I'll be obsessively writing until the next chapter is finished. 
> 
> Or I'll burn out and cry for an hour about it.
> 
> Whatever.
> 
> ANYWAYYYYS enjoy lol <3

It was dark. Too dark for Kenma to be walking around alone at night, at least. The sky was covered in clouds, a galaxy of stars hidden. There was no wind, making what should be a freezing cold walk only slightly uncomfortable. The street was silent as it usually was, no one else really feels the need to walk around aimlessly at 1am on a Thursday. 

Kenma just needed a break, if he was being honest. He needed a break from school, from volleyball, from people. From life in general. He stopped at the edge of a street he didn’t know the name of, sitting on the curb. There were no cars on the road. His head tilted back as he closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. 

He wanted the world to stop spinning for 5 seconds. For everything to just come to a stop. He was sick of being stuck in a world where nothing was fulfilling enough. His heart ached for something new, something exciting. It really just felt like he was going through the motions at this point. 

_ Whatever.  _

Taking just a few more seconds for himself, Kenma stood up and slowly started back towards the sidewalk. His feet not aligning correctly with the cracks in the pavement.

_ Annoying. _

Where even was he? Kenma stupidly enough left his phone at home, for once in his entire life. He just wanted to get back into his bed, maybe stay there forever. Grief weighed heavy on his shoulders. It didn’t make any sense. Nothing particularly bad had happened, it just always felt this way for no reason. He was always tired, it seemed, but not necessarily sleepy. At least once everyday, a familiar heaviness was set on his heart, his lungs, making it harder to breathe. It was so consuming that sometimes he didn’t know what to do.

He was sick and tired of feeling this way.

But…

At the same time, it was the only thing keeping him grounded. Reminding him that he was still here, a human, living on a large rock in the universe. It was comforting in a way, to the point where he gets anxious when it doesn’t show up everyday. Maybe he was just so used to being lonely, that he wouldn’t know how to function if he wasn’t. Now Kenma wasn’t  _ alone _ , by any means, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t lonely. There was probably only one person who Kenma has felt whole with, and that was…

_ Kuroo. _

A tall figure, with a terrible set of bedhead, stood about 5 meters away from Kenma, his head tilted to the side slightly. He looked straight into Kenma’s eyes, saying a million things, even though he wasn’t saying anything at all.

_ I know. _

He always knew. No matter what, Kuroo could always tell when something wasn’t right for his small setter. Perhaps that was the reason Kenma could lay back and just,  _ be,  _ when he was around Kuroo.

Kenma silently walked up to other, his head turned down. A large hand was suddenly on top of his head, fingers slowly pushing through the thin hairs.

The touch lasted much shorter than it should have. Kuroo’s hand falling back to his side as he turned around, waiting for Kenma to start walking. 

Kenma tried not to think about the warmth that spread through his head, down to his toes, as the older of the two had raked his long fingers through his hair. Their walking synced up almost instantly, as it usually does. His balance always felt off when there wasn’t another pair of feet matching his footsteps. 

They walked in silence, already knowing that Kenma would be spending the night at Kuroo’s house. Anytime Kenma was having trouble, Kuroo would be there to help him, never asking for an explanation. He only ever welcomed Kenma into his house with open arms. The familiar room always providing solace, that much Kuroo knew. And it worked just fine, but there was something tugging at the back of Kenma’s heart, whispering how he wished the comforting touch Kuroo always provided lasted just a little bit longer.

\---

By the time they arrived back at Kuroo’s house, it was just past 2:30am, the clouds still fully covering the sky. Kuroo still hadn’t said anything to Kenma, which was slightly unnerving, considering he usually would have made some sort of comment by now. 

Neither of them said anything as they walked towards the small bedroom, a futon already placed on the ground. 

_ Always planning so far ahead. _

Kenma took off his slightly damp clothing, replacing them with a pair of Kuroo’s sweatpants which were much too big for him, and one of Kuroo’s over-sized shirts. He slipped under the covers of his friend's bed, already knowing that he would refuse to let Kenma sleep anywhere else.

Both of them settled in quietly, no words had been said yet. Kenma just looked up at the ceiling, seeing the glowing stars that littered the top of his beloved captain’s bedroom. The soft light they gave off barely illuminated the dark room. He could feel the familiar heaviness starting to crawl into his heart once again.

“Can I ask you something, Kenma?” Kuroo barely even whispered, his voice so soft Kenma wouldn’t have heard it if the house wasn’t so quiet.

He stopped breathing for a second. Or two. Never in his entire life had Kenma heard Kuroo’s voice sound like that. It almost sounded sad. Concerned. Confused.

“Go ahead.”

There was no response right away. At least 10 seconds passed before Kuroo spoke again, although it felt like hours.

“Why.”

“I don’t know.”

“You know you can tell me anything right? You don’t need to hide things from me if you don’t want to…”

“I know.”

“Then, why?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

\---

Kuroo acted as he normally would in the morning. It’s not like there was really anything to talk about anyways. Kenma was thankful for this, he really wouldn’t know what to tell Kuroo.

They headed off to school and the day went by as it usually did. The same classes, same teachers, same people, same emptiness. Everything was always the exact same. 

It wasn’t as if Kenma was searching for anything specific, there was nothing he particularly wanted. He just sort of hoped that he could find something,  _ anything,  _ to help loosen the chains wrapped so tightly around his heart and his lungs. 

The feeling never went away as the day kept slipping by, at least not until Kuroo showed up. 

He was standing outside of Kenma’s last classroom, which was… odd. Kuroo usually waited by the gates at the front of their school, never to Kenma’s actual classroom. His hand was clutching one bag strap, which was slowly slipping off of his shoulder. His bed head looking significantly worse today, most likely a product of last night's lack of sleep. Kuroo’s eyes raised to meet Kenma’s as he walked closer. Kenma didn’t miss the way Kuroo’s eyes immediately brightened, his face taking on a happier look.

“Well hello, kitten,” Kuroo smirked, as Kenma walked closer to him. The blonde scrunched up his nose in distaste, very much disproving the nickname Kuroo has now become so fond of. 

Kenma pulled out his switch, already knowing that his captain would lead him around, making sure he didn’t bump into anything or anyone. As long as he didn’t have to see how many people were around him, Kenma should be fine.

People always made Kenma nervous, especially people his age. It was easier to get along with adults, they seem to understand body language more, but not teens. People were always looking, always watching, always judging, and Kenma hated that. People were nosy, constantly sticking their noses into business that has nothing to do with them. It was annoying. 

People also made him nervous because they were warm. It may sound weird, but he hates the warm feeling that comes when someone touches you. And it’s not a warm feeling as in he gets butterflies and his heart startings beating erratically, it’s the actual warmth of human skin that scares him. He just doesn’t like it when people touch him, all but Kuroo.

_ It’s probably just because he’s been with me since forever. _

Kuroo always made sure that no one touched him, even in the crowded halls. It must be a difficult job, but he never complained. Kuroo always seemed to enjoy taking care of Kenma for whatever reason. 

_ You’re just a burden. He only pretends to care to protect your feelings because he thinks you’re fragile. _

It hit him like a train, all these negative thoughts coming at him at once. They always came at the most random of times, whether that's during dinner, or a practice game, or perhaps while he was walking home with Kuroo after a mostly normal day at school. A sense of uneasiness washed over Kenma like a waterfall, covering him from his head to his toes in a sort of paranoia. He was suddenly very aware of all the people near him, how close they were, what their eyes looked like. He could only imagine what they were thinking.

_ They think you’re gross and weird. _

No.

_ Who walks around with their face shoved into a device? It’s rude. _

Please stop.

_ All he ever does is spend time with that Kuroo kid? Is he gay or something nasty like that? _

He could hear everything all the other students were saying, even if they weren’t speaking out loud. People were extremely easy to read, especially if they looked you in the eyes, eyes gave away everything. 

He couldn’t breathe. He knew he needed to focus on regaining his breath but he just couldn’t. Kenma’s shoulders were heaving, and his head started ticking to the side as shivers ran through his entire body. 

It only took a moment for Kuroo to notice, thankfully.

“Hey Kenma, look at me,” Kuroo said as he stepped in front of Kenma, his hands placed on the younger ones shoulders. Kuroo’s eyes were wide, he looked a little scared. Kenma just stared straight into the golden-brown eyes that were carefully trying to assess the situation.

Kuroo just grabbed Kenma’s wrist, making sure he wasn’t visible to anyone else on the street. They went behind a small flower shop, Kenma instantly leaning against the wall, his eyes focused on the ground. Kuroo stood facing the road, watching to make sure no one came by as Kenma tried to gather whatever thoughts he had left. 

He was thankful that Kuroo knew not to crowd him as most people probably would. When you see someone upset, a lot of people's first reaction is to give them a hug, which frankly doesn’t make any sense. Sure they may need comfort but people also need their space. Although, this really just depended on the type of person you are.

Thinking random things like that always helped Kenma calm down, not letting his mind rest on one specific topic didn’t give any chance for intrusive thoughts to slide their way into the front of Kenma’s mind. 

After maybe 10 minutes, Kenma slowly sunk to the ground, too mentally and physically exhausted to stand anymore. Panicking took up so much energy for something that Kenma didn’t even want to happen. Kuroo wordlessly bent down, his back facing Kenma and his arms reaching backwards.

It was hard for Kenma to try and repress a smile.

The silent gesture wasn’t ignored as Kenma climbed onto the large back of his captain. Kenma could feel Kuroo shifting as he buried his face into the older’s shoulder. Kuroo started walking forward, his feet staying sturdy despite the extra weight on his back. Kenma knew he didn’t weigh a lot, especially since he had been cutting back on breakfasts and lunches lately. He was small to begin with, and the malnutrition didn’t help. 

Kenma was just so tired, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier the longer they walked. He clung to Kuroo just a little tighter, glad he had someone to stay. Someone who would stand beside him waiting to help, or maybe just give words of encouragement. 

He was just glad to have someone to keep close, even if he was starting to doubt the reasons on why he liked having Kuroo around best.

**Author's Note:**

> so this whole thing is really just me P R O J E C T I N G myself onto Kenma because why not.  
> lol.
> 
> I'll most likely be updating this semi soon, but school is a bitch and it makes me want to slam myself into a wall repeatedly.
> 
> thank you for reading and leave a comment if you want! i just like talking to people hah


End file.
